Monday, February 27, 2012

Super sexy magical voodoo face goop mask thing.

So I'm not as hysterical and militant about artificial products, or chemical-containing beauty supplies.  I got the batshit out of my system, I guess, and have sloooowly drifted back to earth. 

But I have discovered quite a few things I love to use that are homemade, free of crazy toxins and chemicals, and will probably not make me grow tumors on my bits. 
So while there might be an occasional shampoo or body lotion in my armory that isn't organic or "natural" by any stretch of the imagination, I do still try to make as many of my own things as possible.  Both for health and awesomeness.

My sexy new kitchen appliance.  

I've recently gotten hold of my very first food processor, because I am ignorant of kitchen appliances and all their super important jobs.  If this is not the most awesome and all-important piece of kitchen necessity, then I don't know what is.  I feel like I've wasted half my life, chopping vegetables by hand.

This is completely unimportant to the story...

So in the spirit of health and awesomeness, I decided to use my new food processor to churn out some special facial voodoo goo, that would give me the butter-soft skin of a prepubescent girl.  I might have my hopes set a little high, but one never knows until one tries.

So, first things first, the ingredients:

Half a banana, because all homemade facial masks have to contain banana.  It's just a rule.  I think.  And also they're kind of shaped like penises, so that makes the mask extra naughty.

Five or six teeny baby tomatoes.  Because I heard somewhere that tomatoes on your face are good.  I think.

Two or three strawberries, for the same reason.  And for seedy, scrubby bits.

An egg.  The whole egg.  Because I'm a moron, and you're supposed to use egg white.  But that yolky thing is probably rich with mineral-y goodness, and even if it's not, why waste a perfectly good embryo?

Some pulverized almonds.  For scrubby bits.

Some honey, because it's supposed to be awesome, and will also make a sticky mess of your eyebrows, which is important.

Milk.  I think it's moisturizing, but I honestly don't know.  They had a whole TV commercial in the 80s that told me it would do my body good.  So, why not?

Some sugar, for more scrubby bits.  Which turned out to be a huge fail, since the granules dissolved in all that gooey liquid.  But at least it makes the mask taste sweet when I get it all over my lips.

And some kaolin clay, which is seriously awesome for your skin, and helps my voodoo goop thicken up a little, instead of leaving it to drip off my face like a messy horror show.

I also added a spoonful or so of baking soda, once I got it all mixed and smeared on my face bits.  It was still super drippy, and I thought the baking soda would help it thicken up.  Plus, that shit dissolves the soap scum from my bath tub, so I have no question that it will help clean the grime and bad decisions from my pores.
It's probably also worth mentioning that adding baking soda to this recipe causes something magical and scientific to happen, and that shaking it up in an old sour cream container with the lid tightly secured is a bad idea.  The container swelled and threatened to blow up, and kill me, and spatter my bathroom with sticky goodness.

So you throw all that together in a food processor or blender or something, and make it into goop.  Oh, and make sure you don't measure anything, because that would make a lot of sense.  This will probably be the most fuckawesome facial slop in history, and I won't be able to recreate it because I'm a moron who doesn't remember to use a measuring spoon.

Now slap it on your facial parts, and shriek in surprise as you suddenly discover that this shit is ice cold.  Something a person will just have to adjust to, since you'll definitely want to keep this in the fridge.  I doubt spoiled milk is very pleasant as a facial cleanser.  Or ever, really.

Oh, before you do all of that, remember to add in the drops of lavender and tea tree oil that I forgot to mention...

Now after you've slapped it on your skin, and are waiting for the magic to happen, take a picture of yourself so you can show everyone how sexy you look.  For real.  Text that picture to everyone in your address book, because they will like it.  If you're feeling super sexy, make that picture your desktop background, and marvel at your beauty.   Like this:

Super sexy voodoo goop mask product, for your desktop background enjoyment.

And then you go take a shower, scrub that shit from your face, and marvel at your buttery goddess skin.  I hope...
If I don't update this post within an hour or two, someone should probably come and check on me to make sure my face hasn't melted off.  Or at least throw a towel over my nude bits, so the fireman doesn't see me naked...


Like kisses from a unicorn.  If a unicorn gargled glitter and silk, while baby koalas cuddled on its saddle made of rainbows and angel tears.
Mix this stuff up, and slap it on your face!