Sunday, February 26, 2012

And now for something completely different...

A little different today.

First, click this.  She rules.  One of the smartest and most loving women I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  And also one of the cutest.

And this adorable, brilliant and seductive blogger has called me out, in one of those "TAG ALL THE PEOPLE" things.  Which means I get to divulge 10 unsolicited secrets about myself.  And since I am my favorite subject, I will dive into the task head first, and recoil in terror later.

After which, I'm supposed to call out six other bloggers to do the same, but that's incidental.  We're here to talk about me now.

1.  I don't like zig-zags.  Flashing rainbow-y zig-zags in my vision are a sure sign that a migraine is coming, that it's going to kick my ass, and that I will lose total control of my senses within the hour.  Fuck zig-zags.  Fuck them in their pointy asses.

2.  I probably have an eating disorder.  Taste and texture inside my mouth should not make me nearly as happy as it does.  I am never as happy as I am when something scrumptious is invading my face hole. You could make a crude joke right here, but what are you, gross or something?  

3.  Sometimes I'm paranoid to the point that I wonder if I'm schizophrenic.  I also believe that most people have an ulterior motive in being nice to me.  It's all a big joke, that all the cool people are in really nice to me, and then get together to laugh about it later.  Kind of like when they talked that boy into asking Carrie to the prom.  Only I don't have telekinesis.  Or that Drew Barrymore firepower thing.  I think I veered a little, here.

4.  I just want people to like me.  Which is sometimes a problem because I also tend to be opinionated, and never think I'm wrong.  But despite the fact that I can seem like a rough broad, I'm kind of a marshmallow.

5.  The best way to describe my marriage is "hysterically co-dependent."  Our "normal" functioning married couple friends think we are the strangest people on earth.  Several of our friends even sleep in separate bedrooms from their spouse.  I think they are secretly martians.

6.  I am militant and immovable in my views on homosexuality.  If I find out you are a homophobe, it will piss me off and make me not want to be around you.  Ever.  So I will leave you to your backward, hillbilly beliefs, and go off to make out with my girlfriend.  

7.  Sometimes I'm compelled to bite someone.  My teeth start to feel weird, and I can only make it stop if I bite someone.  Which is unfortunate for my husband.  Who is soft and chewy.  

8.  No one is within biting range at the moment, and after typing out that previous sentence, I had to bite my own arm.  Despite those things, I am still technically sane enough to walk among "regular" people.

9.   My arms are covered in self-harm scars.  Which I refuse to hide.  I am unsettled when someone stares, and relieved when someone asks.

10.  I literally have no fucking clue what I'm doing, and it scares the hell out of me that I'm a grown up.   I'm terrified.

Good times.

I don't think I'll be very good at the tagging thing.  Instead, I will put links to a few of my favorite bloggy things, and you can give them a ganders.

Sexy, and  unapologetic.

A Grammar of Chaos
Brilliant girl.  I learn and remember stuff here that I never would have retained otherwise.

Disturbing, sexy, graphic.  Most definitely NSFW.

Witness to Foolishness
Stuff pisses her off.  She rights beautifully about it, here.  

Single Dad Laughing
How to be a single dad, or any kind of parent, without sucking.


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