Thursday, March 13, 2014

The basics

I'm alive!

So much fuckery has kept me away from my precious keyboard, and busy with shitty tasks that turned writing into kind of "a thing I do when I need to remember to buy more toilet paper."


The basics...
I'm getting a divorce.  Our two-decades-long relationship is finally over.  And it's wonderful.  And I hate it.  And every possible emotion in between.

I miss him.  He was not good to me, and he'll tell you that.  Or maybe he won't.  Today I think he might.
It wasn't always a disaster.  I miss the jokes that only we get.  I miss our nightly "stupid movie" ritual.  I miss having a warm body next to me while I sleep at night, and someone to pull me closer when the alarm goes off in the morning.  I miss having someone else to depend on when things are stupid.  I miss having someone to back me up when one of the kids loses their mind and decides to go on one of those "let's see if we can make mom drink" tirades.
I miss being able to hug him...I think I miss that the most.

And I don't miss him.
A sentence which could also do with a paragraph or two of explanation, but I don't want to do that. So I'll just leave it there.

Divorce.  What even is that?
Nothing like I expected, that's for certain.

There were restraining orders.  There were interlopers.  There were devious assholes disguised as loving friends.  There were heartbreaking and necessary separations that landed me miles from home.  There were accusations and threats and general terrible-ness.

Then our son ran away.  Quit school.  Met a girl.  Threw everything away.  For four months he wandered from house to house, thinking he had all the answers and that his crazy parents were imbeciles.  He was intentionally hurtful.  He played one parent against the other.  He created the havoc he needed, I suspect, in an effort to recreate the chaos he'd felt at home during our separation.  Or maybe he was following a poor example set for him by his parents.  Or maybe he was just being a jerk.  Either way, I loved him, and I love him, and he's home now.  He's warm and safe and he's showering and eating.  And at this point that's such a relief that nothing I type will come close to articulating the anxiety I felt for him while he was gone.

And I met someone.
And I want to write all about it.
But I won't.
But goddamn...the feels...
There are many.  They are big.

So this is a shitty post, and leaves nearly everything out.  But I'm so happy to have my computer back and to have had a good day.
And I missed this.
And I'm glad you're still here.