I've decided that I'm going to rule the world. Don't panic. I don't mean like an evil genius or a maniacal dictator or something. Nothing sinister.
More like a party planner, who has realized the party is starting to fail, and decides to bust out a conga line to save the day.
I'll be a really just world leader. I promise. Here's how...
First, I'm doing away with "marriage."
Don't get excited. You can still have your husbands and your wives, and all the happy little legal benefits that come with such a union. And you can still have your religious ceremonies and whatnot, to appease whatever god you worship. But the only "legal" paperwork involved will be the paperwork required to apply for those marital benefits.
You can have one spouse, or three or six. I don't care. You can have a wife and a husband at the same time. I don't care. It's not my business what kind of arrangement you enter into with another consenting adult. Build a commune of swingers. Spread the love. Or don't. It's your relationship, it's your life, and it's none of my business.
And before anyone goes off on the ignorant "beastiality, pedophile" rant (you know the rant I mean. The one that sounds like "so, if someone wants to marry their dog, should that be legal? Or if someone wants to marry a 4 year old, should that be ok, too?"
To answer that moronic, and logically ridiculous question, no. Those things should not be legal. Anyone who engages in sexual activity with anything or anyone that can not give their informed consent is a dickbag, and shouldn't be allowed to have sex anyway. And I realize a vibrator can't give its informed consent, however a vibrator does not have a brain, a pulse, or emotions. Use your brain, and stop asking me stupid questions. Moving on...
Next, I'm making clothing completely optional. Everywhere. Yeah, you can even shop for groceries naked. And before anyone gets hysterical and says "that's unhygienic," what sorts of gross shit are you doing inside your clothing, that would make it any more unhygienic than a cough or a sneeze inside a store? Common courtesy, of course, is going to apply. You're not going to be permitted to just scratch your naked ass, and then grab things off the shelves. But that's not really a naked rule, that's just common humanity. We don't dig in our noses, and then reach out to select oranges. Well, the majority of us don't do that. There's always going to be some asshole who can't seem to figure out the rules of common courtesy and restraint. There's really not a lot I can do about these inconsiderate pieces of work. So just wash your fruit, ok? Alleviate any nutsack-contamination fears by washing your apples before you consume. Problem solved.
And if you choose to be nude, carry a towel. Nothing fancy, just a towel big enough to spread under your bum when you sit. That way, the non-nude among us can feel confident that they're not sitting in a chair that previously hosted someone's naked ass.
And now that everyone is naked, and buying lots of fruit, I'm going to make marijuana legal. And none of those stupid stipulations like "well, it's legal, but only if you have cancer, and only with a doctor's recommendation, and only on Monday thru Tuesday between the hours of 4:00 and 4:30, and only on a full moon."
Everyone can smoke pot. Your kids' school bus driver can smoke pot. Your dentist can smoke pot. And they don't even need a medical reason to do it.
Of course we have the no-brainer rules in place, just as we do with alcohol. No smoking and driving, no smoking while doing brain surgery, no smoking while circumcising babies...
Now that you mention it, that's another brutal and barbaric tradition that needs to die. Circumcising (aka genitally mutilating baby boys) needs to end. But that's an entirely different rant, and kind of weird to include with the pot-smoking ordinance, so I will move on before I am so distracted that I can't remember what I was talking about...
We all have cannabinoid receptors in our bodies. Parts of us that are specifically designed to receive THC. Telling my body that providing it with what it's designed to accept makes about as much sense as telling me it's illegal for me to eat food. Not to mention, marijuana is a plant. Should we make peanuts illegal, too? Peanuts fucking kill people. I once babysat a kid with a severe peanut allergy, and it was much scarier than the time I babysat a pothead. It was also less funny...
If we can justify alcohol (which poisons the body, leads to drunk-driving deaths, domestic violence, and general douche-baggery) and if we can justify cigarettes, (do I really need to list the awesome effects of smoking?) then we can certainly justify marijuana. I realize this will put a huge dent in the paycheck Big Pharma is accustomed to receiving. However, it has occurred to me that I don't give a shit if a group of heartless gazillionares go broke when they can no longer force people to rely on their poisonous concoctions to feel better. No thanks, Vicodin. I'll smoke a joint, instead.
And next, now that everyone is all full of dirty butt-fruit and pot smoke, I'm taking back control of my uterus. And I'm giving every uterus on the planet the right to decide for themselves what happens to them. Your birth control, your sexual activity, and yes, your abortions, are not my business. They are no one's business but you, your doctor, and anyone you choose to involve in your uterine happenings.
Your religion forbids abortions? Don't have one.
Your religion forbids birth control? Don't use it.
But don't expect other people to conform to your beliefs. What if someone invaded our country, and demanded that all the women begin wearing a burqa? No bueno. If their beliefs indicate that they cover their women, then let them have at it. But if you don't want religious folks forcing their beliefs on you, then have the same courtesy for others. If I don't pray with you before your meal, it has nothing to do with your relationship to your god. And if I have an abortion, it has nothing to do with your relationship to your god. You can tell me you don't like it, since you have the freedom of speech. You can tell me that your god doesn't like it, since you have the freedom of religion. And I can go have the abortion anyhow, because I have the right to both freedom *from* religion, *and* the right to what happens inside my uterus.
It's mine. And I don't want your morals, your beliefs, and your god inside of it.
God isn't going to punish you for the things I do. Move on.
You can attend church. You can wear clothing. You can abstain from marijuana and condoms and abortions. You are allowed.
What you are not allowed to do is force your ideals upon the masses. You are not allowed to use your morals and your beliefs and your religions to dictate the behavior of the rest of the world. You are allowed to think that I am a heathen, and you are allowed to tell me so. But making laws so that everyone is legally forced to conform to what you believe...how the hell does that even make sense? Is god going to suddenly let me into heaven because I was legally forced to abstain from birth control? Are you going to get some kind of heavenly medal because you kept me from legally taking a wife?
If I sit naked in my front yard, smoking pot and holding hands with my girlfriend, nothing changes for you. If I marry said girlfriend in a backyard, full-moon, pagan ceremony, nothing changes for you. If I have sex, using a condom that breaks, and then abort the baby, nothing changes for you. You might not like it, and you don't have to. But at the end of the day, your life is dramatically unaffected by this series of events, regardless of how much you disapprove.
And by all means, disapprove. It is your right.
But the law needs to stay the fuck out of it.
And finally, Monday is chocolate cake day.