Saturday, May 5, 2012

Cartoon Boobs

Dear Every Bra-Maker in the World, 

Fuck you.  
Let me explain.  

I don't enter into the "bra buying" business with hostility.  In fact, sometimes I am downright excited about it.  It's easy for a woman to be dazzled and reassured by the seemingly endless racks of frilly whatnots, lacy unmentionables, and delicate underthings.  With so many options, surely finding one for me will be a piece of cake.  It's like wandering into a candy store, for big girls.  With boobies.  

I typically start off by selecting several widths and cup sizes, to cover all the bases.  Everything from a C to a DDD, and in between.  Everything from a 38 to a 46, and in between.  If there is a bra on the rack that will fit me, I will find it.  And if I don't, it won't be for a lack of trying.  

Into the dressing room, and I disrobe.  Usually a glance or two at my naked ladies, and maybe a quick shake (because, let's be honest.  How great does that shit feel when you've been harnessed like an overweight mule all afternoon?)  And then, to the trying on.
My mood quickly begins to decline, and before I know it, I'm nearly seething with rage, thinking my body is deformed, and that no bra in the world is *supposed* to fit me, because I am a disgusting freak of nature, as far as breasts are concerned.
Well, fuck you, Every Bra-Maker in the World.  I am not the anomaly.  You are simply lacking in, well, everything you're supposed to provide.  

First of all, measurement is pretty universal, amirite?  Forty inches is forty inches, no matter how you slice it.  So why in the hell does one bra measuring 40 around the band fit perfectly, while another of the same measurement slices into me like a fucking fetish corset?  Get yourself some accurate measuring tapes.  Or fire your bra-band guy, because he's cross-eyed.  

Next, bra cups.  What.  The.  Fuck?  First of all, finding cups without six-inch-thick wires to encircle my tits is a goddamn impossibility.  I feel like my tits are getting ready to be shot out of a cannon or something.  There really is no need for that much wire.  My breasts might be a little wild, but they certainly don't need cages.  Secondly, who decided that my DDD boobs need padded cups?  What part of this makes sense?  Who looked at me and thought, "know what that girl needs?  Bigger knockers."  I don't.  Really.  Even on a bad day, I don't need bigger breasts.  It's really ok to make a bra for me that is just fabric.  And while we're on the subject, sometimes breasts sag.  It's not flattering, or something any woman likes to brag about, but they do.  Some of them a lot more than others.  And when they do, all that stiff fabric in our cups just goes unfilled.  A deflated breast inside of a padded, stiff, and let's be honest, humorless bra, just lays in there, looking deflated and weird.  Like we've flopped our saggy boobs up onto a table, in preparation for our fashion debut.  I do not want table tits.  In fact, I don't know of any woman who does.  

And let me drive this point home, as well...
No.  Just, no. 
The opposite of stiff cups, weirdly-filled cups, and birdcage cups is NOT torpedo cups.  It wasn't attractive in 1950, and it's certainly not attractive now.  I don't want to stick my boobs in a tube.  I don't want them stabbing up toward the sky like weirdly filled sausage skins.  I don't want dangerous breasts.  Madonna can pull it off.  I can not.  I just want a bra.  Not weapons of mass destruction.  

And furthermore, these contraptions do NOT need to cost upwards of $80.  There is just no sense in that, and no matter how many times you have the super-helpful sales girl assure me that it's a "good investment", I will not be swayed.  This is not a good investment.  It's underwear.  If I want to make a "good investment" I will talk to someone who can teach me about the stock market, or setting up some kind of savings plan.  I will not look to my underwear to secure my future.  Holy shit, this is annoying, and pretentious.  

Just make me a bra, for chrissake.  With a band that fits, and cups that are gentle and non-invasive enough to cradle my ladies in a way that keeps me from looking indecent and frightening.  Cups that will lift me gently, keep bouncing to a minimum, and show my breasts as actual size, versus novelty size.  A bra that does not feel like a form of punishment, but rather a delicate, girly piece of functional clothing.  
It's possible.  I swear.  I see women everywhere, even fat ones like me, looking lovely, and seemingly held gently and comfortably by their bras.  

I am not the only fat woman in the world.  I am not the only large-breasted woman in the world.  I am not the only woman in the world with breasts that tend to favor a southward view.  Make us a bra, dammit.  

And make it pretty, while you're at it.  I'm not 80 yet.  So I don't need underwear that says I am.  
Hey there, big fella...

Fuck you, Every Bra-Maker in the World, for ruining my afternoon, and making me feel as if I have the weirdest, most impossible breasts on the planet.  Fuck you for excluding me from Victoria's Secret and Frederick's of Hollywood.  Fuck you for taking my money repeatedly, and never, ever, EVER coming thru with your end of the bargain.  

And while we're at it, fuck you, Herminie Cadolle, for betraying your fellow womankind with your obnoxious and cruel contraption.  Traitor.  

This message is brought to you by my currently cartoon-size breasts, and probably bleeding ribcage.  Cacique, you are the devil.  

As you were.  


  1. Sadly enough, I find the comfy, no padding, no underwire bras at Evil-Mart (c). hah. I like their Hanes brand, soft cup, t-shirt material, unlined. I started having to stop wearing the underwire, because when I was doing CPR at work, I had a wired torpedo tit pop up and hit me in the chin on every push. And I'm a 42 D (probably needing a DD, but saggy enough a D works), so I know it fits the bigger gal. Hope the knowledge helps, because I hate bra shopping too.

    1. I think I have decided to see if I can find an "aah bra" in my size. One of my friends suggested it, and if they come in fatty sizes, I will be making that purchase, and telling everyone whether or not I think it sucks.
      If it's a no-go, then I will resort to plain old sports bras from Evil-Mart, and I will just accept that it's not in the cards for me to have sexy underwear. Harrumph.
      Are you still on the Lush forum? I can't find your email address, and I have some migraine information for you :)

    2. I just sent you an e-mail, I'm kinda on the forums still as 'NewLushieInKC' PM me if you don't get my e-mail.

  2. Ms. Krystal, If this helps.. I have kinda the same problem with my undies. Boxers, too lose and ride up. Twisted and terrible pain. Tighty whiteys, things pop out and if that happens and you set down.. EEKK! Then they came along with the boxer breif... wait.. could it be.. the best of both!! Sure for some maybe.. but for me.. NO!!

    I have very large thighs.. not your usual male admission but wtf ever! So anyway.. These would be great except when I buy to fit my waiste they are too lose in the leg, it rides up, see boxer arguement. Too big and well they damn things fall down. So not the same but I thought I would share and If I was a woman.. I would have been a bra burning hippie me thinks!

    Good stuff,


    1. Wally, I think you just told me that you sat on your balls. I am assuming that you're without permanent injury as a result, so it's ok that I just laughed out loud.
      You know, I hadn't even thought of it before, but I have the same issue with my underpants! They get all stretched out and floppy, and any hope of being sexy goes flying out the window.
      "Hey. Check out that hot chick over there with flappy underpants and a grungy walmart sports bra. Gotta get me somma that!"
      Yeah, no.

  3. OMG! This was the best post ever!! I totally hear ya. All us real girls should go into business together and create a real goddamed bra. Why dose it have to be so hard?! Sigh....