Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Swollen Herpes Simplex. Catchy, eh?

I believe in "a reason for everything."
I believe that spending 10 minuted jammed up in traffic may save a person from what was potentially a fatal accident.  I believe that losing one's keys for a half hour in the morning, may save a person from potentially being mugged and stabbed in the parking lot at work.

But on days like today, I'm left scratching my head, and wondering "WTF, Universe?"
What can be gained by a vacuum cleaner malfunctioning for the second time in a week?
From what am I protected by discovering that my kids have broken a window shade, a doorknob, a houseplant, and have destroyed their bedrooms.  Again.
What on earth is gained by discovering that I have a grotesque mango allergy, that asserts itself in the form of a rash on the lips, causing me to resemble Angelina Jolie with swollen herpes simplex?  Yes, that.
What do I possibly gain by having my sink clogged with some sort of mystery gelatinous muck?
Pile on a nine-day headache, and I'd say that qualifies as a good excuse for a homicidal rampage.  Starting, of course, with the fucking sink.  As a side note, I am convinced that the smell that's attached itself to me, is permanent.  If so, do note that I don't smell like turkey on fucking purpose.  

As a mother, I realize there are moments when we are forced to request things that are seemingly ridiculous.  "Take the necklace off the cat.  Don't lick your brother's shoe.  Don't lick your brother.  Don't eat your boogers.  Don't wipe boogers behind the couch..."  The list goes on.  But "clean up the cheerios from around the toilet"?  Really?

I want desperately to go and hide in my bed, shovel junk food into my face at an alarming rate, and to ignore the outside world for the remainder of the week.
However, any attempt at self-preservation and alone-ness, leads to horrible backlash from the aforementioned children, leading to loud arguments, slamming doors, and the disaster-effect of their bedrooms leaking into every other room in the house.  And probably, boogers wiped on the couch.  Yeah, someone has done that.

Although I am currently accepting applications for a masked gunman (or woman) to show up at my door, snatch me away, and lock me in a room where I'm forced to watch TV and relax blissfully all day while I eat comfort food.

P.S.  I suppose the day isn't a total wash.  I did discover this marvelous gem while searching for a moron-friendly fix for my sink.  A quick pause at 37 seconds will pretty much sum up my sentiments regarding this entire day.

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