I consider myself to be a fairly rational, and collected person.
Until I'm not.
When I feel attacked or singled out in an unflattering light, when my feelings are hurt or ignored, when promises are broken, in those moments, I feel like a lunatic. Out of control.
I despise it. Intensely. And, it shows.
I'm not proud of it. I'm not happy about it...
Nor am I happy about being told that I'm unhealthy, or hinting to the fact that I am less valuable as a fat person, than I was a a thin person. The size of my ass has nothing to do with my character, or even, heaven forbid, my health. I'm one of the healthiest people I know. My intake of processed food is minimal, and I don't hose myself in chemical cocktails and artificial foam, hoping for the illusion of "clean." I don't load myself full of Frankenstein tobacco, or gorge on booze, and then try to point the finger outward.
Fuck you, I'll outlast all of you.
Nor am I happy about being told that, had I been raised with my father, I might have turned out a little more like my sister, "instead of..."
Instead of what? Instead of a woman who has raised two of the most amazing kids in creation, despite a nightmarish upbringing? A woman with confidence and poise, unashamed to speak her mind, yet always doing so with dignity and respect for everyone involved? A woman certain of what she will, and will not tolerate?
Oh, the shame.
Nor am I happy when I can't count on those closest to me to keep their word, to stand next to what they've promised, without fail.
I don't like feeling like this. I don't like writing like this, and I don't like sounding like this. I don't like it. And I don't like feeling like an asshole when I stand up and let people know these things about me.
I don't like feeling like I'm not a fairly rational, and collected person.