I don't like Star Wars.
I feel so dirty.
The bare truth is, I haven't seen it since I was a kid. I tolerated it, when one of my fathers watched it relentlessly for days and days. Yoda was cute, even tho I thought he talked "funny", and I liked those little furry Ewok things that looked like bears. Beyond that, it either bored me cross-eyed, or scared me shitless. The idea of a person being crammed into the warm bowels of some kind of llama/horse crossbreed, in order to keep from freezing to death while one is abandoned in the desert...this is intense for a highly-imaginative child with abandonment issues. Let's go a step further and just blame every panic attack I have ever had on that scene. Another thing. Why the hell is it snowing in the desert in the first place? The weather in the Star Wars world is terrifying.
And what the fuck was with that huge hole in the ground, that had teeth, and chewed up anyone unfortunate enough to fall in? If it's not bad enough that you're going to plummet to your demise, you get to be partially digested, and full of holes when you get there. Fuck.
And let's not forget, of course, the fact that Luke's own father severs his hand during a sword fight.
While I'm out here on this limb, let me also make it known that I hated Star Trek. I would moan audibly with extreme displeasure whenever I saw that goofy spaceship fly toward me in the opening sequence, and I could not change the channel fast enough. When you're a kid with three channels to choose from, and some boring shit like that comes on, your afternoon TV watching is pretty much brought to a standstill. And you're forced to find entertainment elsewhere. Usually in the form of screaming at your sister. Or maybe that was just my house.
Old Star Trek, new Star Trek, it doesn't matter. I hate them all. I hate Spock's pointy ears. I hate Warf's twisted face. I'm not sure what character Whoopi played, but I'm pretty sure I hate that one, too. Reading Rainbow guy was tolerable, but only because I knew he'd be back later to read me some stories, and that he wouldn't be wearing a banana clip over his eyes when he did...
|Take a look. It's in a book.|
This, of course, leaves me feeling awkward and dishonest, when one of my friends (who all seem to be Star Wars/ Star Trek devotees), shows me the newest kickass item on their wishlist, in the form of a toilet seat that makes a Jaba The Hut noise when you sit on it. Usually, I try and churn out some sort of neutral phrase that won't out me as the most uncool person on the planet. "Oh, wow! It's perfect for you!" (I don't know if Jaba the Toilet Seat is a real thing. Fuck, I hope not...)
Since I'm coming out of the closet, so to speak, I'll also confess to never having seen Top Gun. Or ever having the desire to see Top Gun. As my husband said, "I saw Hot Shots first. That was enough for me." So, unless Ducky Dale is in Top Gun, cross-eyed with huge thick glasses, I remain steadfast in my desire to never see it.
I hope I've earned cool points for at least pretending to give a fuck, for knowing what a wookie is, and for thinking your Princess Leia costume is cool. Mostly. I hope my appreciation of Space Balls earns me a pass with at least a few of you.
And lastly, I hope we can all still be pals, now that you know my disturbing secret.