Thursday, August 25, 2011

Nervous jibberish

My heart might literally burst out of my chest. 
The phone will ring, and it will be terrible news...
Someone will come to the uncle is outside in the field.  He might come to the door...
Breathing fast enough to make myself dizzy.
I think I'm having a heart attack.  I'm probably having a heart attack.  Chest pains.
I might faint. 
My heart might explode. 
I might die. 

I won't die.  I know this.  I'm not having a heart attack, and I'm not going to faint.  As abnormal as this is, this is normal. 
I know this.  Rationally, I know this. 

But in the midst of it, I know that something terrible will happen.  Someone will come to the door, and catch me...catch me what?  There's nothing illegal, or immoral, or humiliating happening inside my house.  I don't even have any dirty dishes in my sink.  What am I afraid they will see? 

I have no rational explanation.  I have no reason to be afraid, and yet I am.  Beyond afraid.  Terrified.  And I have no rational explanation.  My heart bumps rapidly as if I've just seen something frightening.  My hands are weak with tremble and fear.  My mouth is dry, and my chest aches. 

Over nothing. 
It's helpless.  And embarrassing. 

I am a woman, entirely in control of the demons in my past.  Fully aware that I have fought, and won.  That I do not exist within the grips of some emotional torment, struggling to continue despite every effort to stop me.  I won.   I am well.  I am whole. 

Until this.  It has the ability to knock me literally from my feet, and make me, for a few brief minutes of hell, question my entire being. 

Then, quick as it came, it's gone. 

Fucking panic attacks. 

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